When it comes to dating, manners are not the same as they are in polite company, in other words, there are some exceptions to the normal rules, this is especially true with email, instant messaging, texting and all the other ways we can now connect with people with the newest technology. In a normal circumstance you meet a new person - not someone you are going to date - what do you do after that first meeting? Well, it depends - I met my daughter's next-door neighbor recently when the two of us were at the park. My daughter introduced us and I shook her hand and said I was glad to meet her. That was the end of it. I did not ask her for her phone number, email address or look her up on Facebook. Now if I see her from time to time I will say hello and that will probably be it, unless some reason shows up in my life that I want to contact her and then I would ask my daughter for her number.
Another example - let's say a friend of mine sends me an email or calls me and asks me to lunch, we arrange a time and have a pleasant time together, at the end of the meal I tell her I enjoyed seeing her again and we part ways. I do not then send her a thank you note - it's not necessary. But let's say she invited me to a party and when I got there, I realized that I was the guest of honor - maybe it's my birthday or I got a promotion and she is recognizing me - I thank her at the party and I later send her either an email or a regular mail thank you note because this was above and beyond a simple lunch or dinner engagement.
Now how does this relate to dating? With dating, there is more at stake than simple manners but some people will use manners as an excuse to maintain contact with someone who is not showing proper interest in them. Here's the deal - dating is not socializing and creating a network of friends - it is the search for a life partner for many people and for some others it's a game of scoring - sorry to say it that way, but that's the bald truth of it.
Here's some more truth - biology and gender dictate how we play the dating game - whether we like it or not, in most cases, men pursue women and women choose who they will mate with and dating is about mating whether we want to see if that way or not. But mating can be temporary or long term and it's the woman who decides in the beginning who she will mate with but it's the man, in most cases who decides whether he will stay for the long haul once they have mated.
Now of course, there are exceptions to every rule and there are women out there who mate and move on and men who are pursued and make the decisions about mating or not, but exceptions are not the norm here. How does this relate to manners? I find a lot of women who use manners to try and make things happen when this just makes them look weak and insecure. Here's the bottom line - If you are a typical woman then you want and expect the man to pursue you - as I said it's biological - he is looking to win the most attractive and exciting woman he is capable of winning.
This is male biology too - men are competitive by nature and want to win what ever they are pursuing from a low golf score to the highest paying career to the woman of their dreams. Part of this mindset is that the thing they are pursuing is not easy to obtain. If it's easy, then it's not worth much to them. If every time he went out to the golf course he hit 70 or less, then he would lose interest - where is the challenge in that? Men want to feel that they are challenged and can win at whatever they are doing, but that they have to work at it - if it's too easy their interest lags. What this means in reality, especially the reality of the wired world we live in, is that a woman has to throw her usual manners out the window when dealing with a man she is interested in dating.
Here are some rules to follow in this regard - these apply to any new man you do not have a monogamous commitment with:
Do not accept his business card if he gives it to you and says "Call me sometime." Tell him that it is not your practice to call men and smile - do not say anything more or change the subject to something else.
Do not offer your own business card unless he asks for it
Do not get into the habit of making your dates via email and text - insist that he call you by simply sending back your phone number and when you will be available to take the call.
Do not get into the habit of texting and emailing - he needs to call you if he is interested.
Do not email, text or call him except to respond to his call or email.
Do not thank him for a dinner date or other date via email, phone or text message - thank him at the time of the date and leave it at that.
Do not put him on your list of friends and send him cute forwards or jokes
Do not go up to him at an event - if you have met him prior to this event then he needs to come up to you
Do not ask men to dance unless you have zero interest in dating them and you know they do not want to date you either - then it's okay as it gets you both out on the dance floor
Dating Manners for Men
Do not pick a woman obviously out of your league - you know when this is the case - and send her notes, cards, gifts and be her handy man - you're wasting your time
Do not keep calling a woman who is not responding to your calls and emails - if she does not respond within a day or two, she is not interested - move on
Don’t' get fixated on a woman having manners - do you really want to be told directly that she does not find you attractive? I doubt it - no message is the message.
Do not bring flowers, candy or other gifts on the first date - it's over kill and makes you look desperate and needy.
Do not date via email - have the courage to make the call and if you don't, then re-evaluate this person - maybe she really isn't for you
Do pay for dinner if you made the date - asking her to pay her half puts you in the category of a friend - if that's your goal fine, but if you want romance then you need to pay, so get out your cash or your card - later on when a relationship is established you can discuss who pays when and how much but for now - do the alpha male thing and pay for dinner - she will admire you for it and that's what you want, right?
Call her when you say you will call or don't say it - simply saying you had a great time and good night is good enough - women don't want or appreciate empty manners.
If you use these ideas your dating life will improve - if not, let me know and maybe I can help you. I'd love to hear from you.
Blessings, Lorraine
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